3 Things That Turned My Doubt Into Unshakable Faith

My Faith Crisis

My Husband and I got married in April of 2016. Our marriage was and is absolutely blissful. Three months after we were sealed in the temple, we both felt strongly it was time to start our family. I stopped taking the medications I was on for depression and ADD, in fear that they would harm the baby if I got pregnant. On our first month trying we got our positive, and we were absolutely over joyed. Sixteen weeks passed, and we were given the news that our sweet baby had passed away. We were both devastated, but eager to try again. Six months later we conceived our daughter. Being off of my medicine was difficult, but I wanted what was best for my child. Our daughter was born on January of 2018 after I was induced with preeclampsia. My labor was long and difficult. I had 2 epidurals that both failed, I sustained a severe injury birthing my daughter, and hemorrhaged shortly after giving birth. That was just the beginning of the longest month of my life, full of complications. Complete with my daughter and I both being admitted to the hospital when she was only a week old. I had had a difficult time feeling the spirit after I stopped my medications, but after my daughter was born, it stopped completely. I didn't feel it at all, ever. It was a very hard time in my life, and at times I felt abandoned by God. I couldn't understand why I couldn't feel the spirit. Over the next year and a half I had a lot of doubts. Satan would get into my mind and make me question everything. Even things that I previously had a firm testimony of. Through all of this, I held on. I knew I had felt the spirit before, and honestly, I couldn't see how any other belief system made sense. I had hope that eventually I would feel the spirit again.

The 3 things that changed everything

In July of 2019, 18 months after I had my daughter, I gave birth via C-section to a beautiful baby boy. Things went much smoother this time around and for that I was so grateful. This is where things started to turn around. There are 3 things that I did that I believe truly changed my life.

1. I got back on medication.

The Lord expects us to take care of ourselves, both physically and mentally.

About 2 weeks postpartum I could feel myself getting depressed, and I knew it was Postpartum Depression. I let my Doctor know right away and she put me on antidepressants. Within 2 weeks I was already feeling a bit better. Before I got pregnant with my son I was going to start medication again to treat my ADD, but wasn't able to when I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had talked about me starting once I was done breastfeeding, so when we switched to formula at 6 weeks, I went to my Doctor and started medication to treat my ADD. I found a renewed energy that I hadn't had in years. It's like I awoke from a deep sleep. Suddenly I had enough focus to actually finish cleaning a room after starting. When I read, I didn't have to read the same paragraph 10 times to understand what I read! It was an amazing feeling. This leads me to my next step.

2. Studying the Book of Mormon with purpose.

Studying with a purpose can give your reading so much meaning and you can receive personal revelation that the Lord has prepared just for you.

With all of my new found motivation and focus, I decided to do something I had attempted hundreds of times before but was never able to complete. Reading the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. I decided to pray for the Lord to inspire me on a "theme" that I would study with. I still at this point was not feeling the spirit, but sitting in Church that Sunday the answer came clear in my mind. " Trust the Lord." I began reading that night and marked every verse that showed or talked about trusting the Lord or having faith in him. For the first time in over a year, I slowly started feeling the spirit again. And then something happened.

3. Choosing to rely on Jesus Christ.

Sometimes in our trials Satan tries to convince us that nothing and no one can help us. That we are totally and completely alone. This couldn't be further from the truth. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we do not have to go through life by ourselves.

About a week after I began my study of the Book of Mormon, something devastating happened. I found out that someone I care deeply for had been hurt badly. At first I was in shock. Shock turned to grief, and grief quickly turned to an all consuming rage. Anger filled my heart. It was an anger I had never felt before. I went outside and began pacing and kicking the ground, not sure how to release this intense feeling I had inside of me. Tears were streaming down my face. My husband came out to where I was and tried to console me, but I pushed him away. He told me that I should pray. In a fit of anger I yelled "Why? He didn't do anything to stop this from happening! He has betrayed me and I don't want to speak to him!" At that time I felt like the Lord had left my loved one without protection. I wanted him to stop what had happened. My husband went back inside. Shortly after I was able to compose myself and joined him. I was still crying, but could think more clearly. My husband asked me to read a passage in the Book of Mormon.

Alma 14:10,11

10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames.

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

After reading these versus, it came clear to me that the Lord will have justice, but he can not interfere with agency. When my loved one was hurt by another's actions, he could not stop it from happening, but he could comfort them through their trial. At this point I knew I needed to repent for the anger I had felt towards the Lord and the blame I wrongly placed on him. I began to pray and ask for forgiveness. I also, for the first time in my life, verbally asked the Lord to allow me to give my pain to Christ, because I could not carry it alone. In that moment, the most amazing thing happened. A peace I've never before felt came over my entire body, and I was able feel the spirit stronger than I had ever felt in my life. It's as if the Lord wrapped me in his arms and began to carry me. Though my circumstances were not changed, my heart was.

Unshakable Faith

In the days following that event, the peace I felt continued. I was still studying the Book of Mormon every night, and I began receiving revelation like never before. Insights and answers to questions I had had for years came pouring into my life. Ways I could help those around me also began filling my mind. The spirit was with me, and I could feel it. I still have my bad days, I still feel upset sometimes, and of course because I'm human, I still mess up daily. But there is one thing that is different in my life now, and that is that I know without a single doubt that God the Father and Jesus Christ live. This truth has given me the kind of joy that cannot be taken from me. Since this experience, Satan has tried harder than ever to break my faith, but he simply cannot take from me what I know to be true.

If you are struggling with your faith, please know that there is hope. The Lord is working in your life, and waiting for you to take the steps necessary to come unto him. He never has and never will turn his back on us.

Jacob 6:4

...and he stretches forth his hands unto them all the day long...

I feel that my experience is best summed up through the following scripture:

Ether 12:27

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I know that when we do our part and try our best, the Lord will bless us. When we keep our promises, the Lord is bound and keeps his. When we choose to be obedient, repent, and rely on him, having full faith, we can receive true joy, even through unimaginable hardship.